Is It Okay to Forgive Silently and Separate?

Someone asked, “Is it okay to forgive silently and never talk to someone again?”

An understanding of God’s mercy toward us motivates us to forgive others (Ephesians 4:32). We should seek to be at peace with others, especially fellow believers (Ephesians 4:3; Hebrews 12:14). However, it does not mean that one is required to remain in a position of being abused.

One level of forgiveness is the desire for the offending person to be forgiven, with the absence of hatred or desire for revenge. Jesus exemplified this when He prayed, “Father, forgive them” (Luke 23:34). God has no pleasure in seeing anyone lost (Ezekiel 18:32; 1 Timothy 2:4; 2 Peter 3:9), and we are called to be merciful as He is merciful (Luke 6:36). In this sense of forgiveness, it is possible to let go of an offense without direct communication, although genuine love leads to confrontation and often restoration (Matthew 18:15).

It’s important to ask if they’ve truly had a chance — and I mean a first chance. It might seem like the answer is obvious, because the reason you feel like separating is that they had a chance and lost it. The problem is, not all offenses are the same. Some are direct sins, like abuse, and other offenses are mistakes; we all have blind spots and we might not even see that our words or actions hurt someone. Have you ever had someone stop talking to you and you didn’t know why? Wouldn’t you rather be told if someone felt hurt, than be ghosted?

Another question to ask is whether the person is willing to make changes. If there is no sincere repentance or effort to avoid the same actions in the future, separation may be necessary, or at least boundaries.

As it relates to marriage, separation is usually not God’s will (Matthew 19:6; 1 Corinthians 7:10–11). Depending on interpretations of certain Scriptures, there may be exceptions, including adultery (Matthew 19:9). There are general principles of freedom to leave situations involving abuse (Exodus 21:26–27) or neglect (Exodus 21:11) which I assume applies to marriage, considering God’s compassion for the oppressed. In some cases it may be necessary to report issues to authorities, which are ordained by God for punishment of crime (1 Peter 2:14). However, under normal circumstances, it is God’s will to remain in a marriage rather than separating.

Whenever we are unsure of the best action to take, it’s important to seek God’s will in prayer, asking Him for wisdom and guidance (James 1:5; Proverbs 3:5–6).